Look what you made me do
After years of changing every aspect of my life to appease those around me, I said f*ck it and I have never been so good.
Since gaining a platform in the world of motorcycle racing, I've been gagging to tell you the truth about me, my life and how I got here.
From the outside looking in, you will see a young woman who is a Press Officer for an international race team, a top selling commercial estate agent, media personality ( to a tiny percentage of people), happy go lucky girl who enjoys good food, motorcycles, wine and Taylor Swift. But how did I get here? Why am I the way I am? Well, now I give you the answers.
I spent years of my life, manipulating my mind, body and character to fit some form of criteria that had been set out by people that actually have no impact on my life. But I let it happen. You may be thinking ‘ what the fuck has this got to do with motorcycle racing and where you are now’, just trust me.
I started writing little blogs, that quite frankly no one cared about apart from me and my family. But that was the first step towards not being restricted by what I can and can’t do with my life. I should have started it sooner, but I didn’t because I was terrified of people not taking me seriously and failing. The fear of failure controls every aspect of my life, in romantic relationships, family and friend relationships, work and hobbies, but I finally did it and I promised myself that if I start posting a blog, I will do YouTube. One month later, I uploaded my first podcast to YouTube and Spotify. Seeing my name, my product on Spotify was overwhelming. I kept going, getting interviews with TT winner Peter Hickman, to the partners of riders and BSB winners. From the outside looking in, I was where I wanted to be.
During this time, I was the most confused I had ever been. I was ‘succeeding’
at what I was producing but also spending every night in tears because yet again I did not feel enough. A relationship that was full of love but no sign of progression, my body not functioning how it should be which would have me bed bound for days. I still wasn’t ‘perfect’. I didn’t feel like my content was not good enough, I was not good enough in my relationship and I wasn’t how I wanted to look or feel.
I moved away to Lincoln to study Sports Journalism and it fucking crippled me. I was so low, not creating content, not being able to work out what was wrong with my body, working out without eating enough and being the loneliest I had been. The people I loved, couldn’t be around, so without hesitation I shut down On Track Mind because in my mind no one was allowed to see me fail. Those people that put me down were not allowed to feel like they won, so I just hid from any criticism that may come.
Then things started to change, because I had, had enough and knew I could do better and I will prove to everyone that put me down that I can win.
I left university. I knew it wasn’t for me, and I finally allowed myself to accept that, that was ok. I hadn’t failed. I realised that in a relationship I don’t have to constantly look to a man for validation. ( this is not me discrediting my relationships at any point, I just realised that I can do me and have an equal and happy relationship. ) I spoke to a doctor and the issue that had been plaguing me for years had finally been identified. Finding out that they can run tests to finally get an accurate answer. Yes, being told that my chance of having endometriosis is extremely high was hard and caused hours and hours of tears, it was finally an answer and I could start to understand my body. I went home and worked my arse off to become the top commercial estate agent. Again, it has its stresses but my god does it feel good knowing what I can do. I was asked if I wanted to be a press officer at Sekhmet Racing with the incredible Maddi Patterson. I gained a healthy relationship with the gym, food and alcohol.
And now i’m sat writing this, awaiting the first practice session of the Isle of Man TT and my god am I in a much better place. Anxiety does not as big of a hold on me and fuck me does it feel good. I’m just doing me.
And to those who watched my social media, awaiting my downfall, look what you made me do.
xoxo